The Choice.

Flashback to 6 months ago….

It’s around 4:30pm. I was working for a home health care company, and had just gotten home from cleaning a clients house for two hours, while silently crying to myself.

Why was I crying? A week earlier I was given the companies first pediatric client, diagnosed with autism, along with a few other things. I had had no training, no experience, and less than 24 hours to prepare myself before my first visit. I stayed up all night researching everything I could about autism, not knowing that there is really nothing you can find that will describe caring for every person with autism- everyone is different. It was like nothing I had expected, it shook me, and I was terrified. Caring for people is no joke.

I had been crying because after a week of working with this client, and being so scared because I didn’t know what I was doing, I was overwhelmed and my brain was fried. I had been given the night off. And I was so relieved. And then last minute I was told I had to go to the clients house anyway, because I was the only employee that knew how things worked there. So I had gotten my hopes up, on top of being overwhelmed and anxious to have to go over there again.

By the time I arrived home, I was starting to panic. I could not stop crying to save my life.  I forced myself to eat something while trying to hold back tears. Halfway through my meal my hands and feet started to tingle and then go numb, and I began to hyperventilate. It was about 45 minutes before I needed to be on my way to the clients house when I found myself on the floor. Laying on my stomach, on top of my hands, listening to the ringing coming from my phone. I had managed to dial my bosses number (Who also happened to be a friend of mine from high school.), and hit the speaker button before I could no longer open my hands. I explained what was happening between gasps, and begged for him to find someone else, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t think. I was done.

He talked me down for a half an hour, until my breathing regulated, and I was able to stand up again. There was nothing he could do, I had to be at the clients house in 15 minutes. I pulled my scrubs back on, and cleaned up my face. Light-headed and still scared, I headed to the clients house. I had a job to do.

New Years 2017…

I had been unhappy for a while, but the anxiety attack was the last straw- it was finally so bad that it was effecting my health. I missed Washington, and the people here. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to do something I, and family could be proud of. I wanted to keep growing, and moving forward. I didn’t feel like I could do that in South Dakota, I didn’t feel like I could go anywhere. It was like I was trapped in a never ending loop, lost in limbo forever.

We were sitting at a nice little bar in downtown Rapid City, South Dakota. One by one groups of people left their tables to walk to the Alex Johnson Hotel, where the towns version of the time square ball dropped. My boyfriend at the time, one of our good friends, and I sat at a table next to the bar watching as the room cleared out, until it was just us, a couple old men, and the bartender. Ethan and Harry were immersed in their own conversation. I sat quietly, and listened to the crowd, just a few blocks down the street, start the countdown. Sipping at my cider, I watched the ball drop in Time Square, from the large flat screen above the bar, and made the same promise to myself that I always did: “This year will be different. This year I will not dream about things, I will have them. This year I will do things for me. This year things will change, and it will be great.” —BUT, this year I mean it, no excuses, no matter what nothing will stop me. Do, or die trying.

Today, June 28, 2017…..

Today I am making a new home, and a new life for myself 1,216 miles away from where I made those promises. It wasn’t easy getting here, there was a lot of tears, uncertainty, fear along the way. So many times, I wanted to scream out “I’M JUST KIDDING!”, take it all back, and crawl back into my same little loop. I couldn’t though, because I knew that if I didn’t just go for what I wanted, I would never get it. Dreams don’t chase you. You have to chase you’re dreams.

It’s not all perfect. I still have a lot of growing to do out here, it’s a work in progress, but it feels better. I feel closer to the life I want, even though I’m not sure what that life looks like. But that’s the best part- I HAVE NO IDEA what will happen. All I know is that I am exactly where I want to be right now, no longer stuck in my loop, and I can finally breath again!

How have you grown in the last 6 months?

Live Bravely!

Always,

Danielle B.

 

The Badge of Busy.

I find myself constantly trying to juggle many things: Working (7 days a week, most of the time) as a Home Care Aide, being an Ambassador Mentor for BANGS Shoes & being in charge of a wonderful team of 12 Ambassadors, owning an Etsy shop- Wired Up Wraps (which I plan on updating soon, I promise!), Keeping up with my blog, carving out time with friends and family, and relieving my restless urge to wander & explore (for my sanity). Carving out any time for myself seems virtually impossible for the most part, but every now and then I am blessed with a short breather, and I am reminded that I do what I do simply because I love it. My brain feels that if I am not doing something productive, then I am wasting my presious time. So I suppose I like to be busy, maybe I just like to give off that I am an “active”, “driven”, and “motivated” person.

For a workaholic like myself, being so busy also has it’s perks. Yes, besides the money. I am constantly meeting new and amazing people, always inspired, coming up with really good ideas, developing new opinions, and to sum it all up, if my brain were a filing cabinet, it would have exploded five months ago. This is where I found comfort, and passion in writing, list making, and blogging. It’s a way to sort out all the chaos on my own (which is how I prefer to work anyways.)

Being so busy can also be mentally draining, sometimes revitalizing- but often times just down right exhausting. This past week was a huge challenge, and left me an emotional wreck multipule times. (which is very unusual, and kind of annoying me, haha) After six months of constant work mode, I feel I have burnt myself out. It sucks, I don’t like it one bit, but everyone has their limits. So I’ve started making the changes I need to, to bulid myself back up again, because there are moments in life where it is nessesary to stop what you are doing, and take care of yourself first. So I talked my boss into dropping me down to part-time, at least until May, so that I have time to regenerate my energy, and focus on more of the hobbies that excite, and inspire me. I like to think the my hypersensitivity to whatever is going on around me plays a big part in the emotional imbalance I’ve found myself in, but to me that’s just life- a series of roller-coaster rides that I know will end with some kind of “light” at the end of the tunnel.

I guess what I am saying is that everyone has thier limits, and even if you love what your doing, it’s ok to give yourself a break if you start feeling extreamly overwhelmed. If you can’t keep yourself healthy, and happy, you’ll just end up being miserable, and life is way to short for that nonsense. You don’t have to take on the whole world by yourself, and you are not a robot. Take it easy on youself, human!

Stay Happy,

Live Bravely!

Always,

Danielle B.

 

What is “Home”.

A roman philosopher by the name of Gaius Plinius Secundus, or Pliny the Elder, first said “home is where the heart is” almost two thousand years ago. I’m sure he didn’t realize just how vastly this phrase could be taken, but in any case, it’s my personal opinion that he nailed it.

When I was a child I used to think that home had to be a place. This only confused me, because since the day of my third halloween I have had two homes. Two bedrooms. Two daycares. Two groups of friends. Two addresses, in two very different states.

Some of you may be thinking, “LUCKY!!! You get double everything!”. Well, yes, I do concider myself lucky. I love my life, both homes, and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. BUT, it’s not all just a can of peaches. There are a lot of things that come with having your heart streached between 18 hours of travel time.

So, I have made a list (because I love lists) of quite a few pros and cons that should be understood of people who grew up with two homes. If you are about to be put in this situation, if you know someone in this situation, if you’re going through it and feel alone, or if your just curious- this is for you.

Let’s start with the cons, since taking bad news first is always best.

1. Usually, this happened because the parents are divorced. In my case, yes, which is on paper, very sad. My parents where younger than I am right now when they were married, brought together by a series of “fate” filled events. I have been told that it wasn’t the greatest at first (after the divorce), but they never let me see that part of it. In this con, I am truely lucky, because my parents have proven that even if a relationship doesn’t work out, that doesn’t mean a friendship won’t.

2. Feeling more connected to one place over the other. This sucks. Especially for the parent living in the other place. You get so caught up in how much you LOVE the one home, that you unintentionally make the other less than, and make a parent feel unloved by their own child. Heartbreaking. I talk a lot about one home, and not much about the other, but I feel it should be noted for family that may be reading this– I LOVE BOTH of my homes equally. One is not greater than the other, they are perfect in their own unique ways.

3. Your friends change and move on without you. Before you leave to go to your other home, you may have a great thing going with an amazing group of friends. People change. They get into arguements. They make other friends. Before you know it you’re coming back expecting to start where you left off, surrounded by friends, and things are not at all the same. And you missed it, so have fun playing catch up!

4. You want serious, long relationship? We shall see about that. Haha. I’m not saying it’s not possible, I’m just saying it’s really hard. I had a lot of great relationships throughout highschool, but none of them even made it halfway through the length of time I was gone. Just saying.

5. Get ready to miss A LOT of the important stuff. Graduations. Engagements. Weddings. Final goodbyes. Funerals… Bonding with a new pet- (they will think that your bed is theirs, and then be pissed at you when you steal it for a while). TIP: ask someone to take lots of pictures, and send them to you, that is the only way you will experience these things. Also, facebook is your best friend.

6. The pain of goodbyes is very familiar. You will have to tell everyone you love “Goodbye”, at least once a year. There will be tears, and hugs, and it will hurt. A LOT. Have you ever had open heart surgery? My guess is that it feels something like that. Either way, it’s not fun. I hate it. And, when you get older, and decide to roadtrip between homes (Because it’s the best), I recommend having a friend with you that can at least drive out of town for you. I say that from experience, because once you see that “Welcome to..” sign in your rearview, you are going to fight the urge to turn the car around.

Alrighty then, how about some pros? Those are way more fun.

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1. Travel experience out the butt!!! Woohoo! You, my friend, are going to have all the rules for airport security down before you can even solve a long division problem. IN FACT, you might end up being better at getting to your gate then someone who works at the airport. (Side note: When your under a certian age, and flying alone, they have someone watch you on your layover. This lady put me in my seat on the wrong plane, and I am the one who caught it. I was nine.) Also, your going to be so good at holding it when you have to go to the bathroom, that for the rest of your life you arn’t even going to know that you have to go, until you HAVE TO GO NOW! And not to brag, but I’m like my own compass. YAY for traveling, and pretty places!

2. You have some of the best stories! In your teenage years, most of your friends have never been to this mystical place that you disappear to all the time, so you look pretty awesome when you start telling them all about the places you go and the things that you do. Especially when your two homes are in South Dakota, and in Washington. Washington kids can not comprehend plains, and little trees. South Dakota kids think that the black hills are mountians, and that all ocean beaches are sandy and warm like Hawaii. So you have seen some things. Annd, you are a really good driver in “bad” weather. (You know, because one of your homes doesn’t have as extreme weather conditions as the other, so they’re not used to it like you are.)

3. If you need an escape, you’ve got one coming! I had a little dramatic issue when I was probably 14 years old, between my ex and my best friend (that’s real stuff in highschool ok!) Anyways, I was SO glad that a couple weeks later I was leaving. I didn’t have to think about it, just got excited about seeing my other friends, and for new adventures.

4. Two fully furniched, comfy, FREE room when traveling. Because if your traveling through the area, you know the parentals are gonna want to see you. Hug you. Feed you. Sit in bed and watch TV while eating loads of salad with you. Also, it’s a comfortable place that you already know, and your own bed.

5. All the peoplesss. Do I even need to get into it? You’re gonna have a lot of people. Plain and simple. You got a decent amount of friends in both places. You got family in both places. You have your parent’s friends, who are like family, in both places. It’s a lot… but they are soo worth it!

6. Also, congradulations, you better get a big christmas tree.

So there you have it. A basic list of pros and cons for growing up in two different places. As you can see, it’s equally as tough on a kid as it is exciting, and adventurous. It definetly makes you stronger emotionally. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I certianly blame my restless wanderlust on how I grew up.. and I love it.

From the rolling plains of South Dakota to the evergreen Puget Sound area of Washington, and everywhere in between, my heart longs for the constant travels, and rejoices in all the memories. Home is not a place, it’s a feeling of happiness and content. The heart is an organ of firey passion; it will let you know when you are home.

What are your thoughts about “home”? About growing up in two places? Is there anything you would add to my list? Drop it in the comments!!!

Live Bravely!

Always,

Danielle B.

 

Embrace Change

img_20161223_220912Change is all around us. The season. The holidays. Soon a new year, and for some of us even the weather is constantly changing.

People change. They develop new thoughts, new styles, new favorites, new attitudes. Some of the bravest even make the decision to stop putting up with people/ things that only ever end up letting them down, and in the end, leaving all that negativity behind leaves more room for happiness.

I’ve never really hated change, it’s definitely made me feel uneasy a time or two, but it’s exciting to me, so full of possibilities. I remember as a child watching my step-sister go into a full on panic when the time came to switch from elementary to middle school, and middle to high school. I didn’t understand, I was SOO EXCITED! All I wanted was to continue growing, and moving on to bigger and better things. That’s what change is in the big scheme of things, growing.

Over here in my neck of the woods, there is A LOT of changes going on. Friends have left. Loved ones have graduated college. I’ve gotten my foot in the door to the medical field. I left my comfort zone job of three and a half years. I transitioned from a Lead Ambassador to an Ambassador Mentor for BANGS. I have started saving money because I plan to be moved out of South Dakota by May 2017. Also, the typical things, like the new year that will be here next week (HOLY FAST!, right?), and i’m probably going to be dying my hair and cutting it soon. (I’m a girl, it’s how most of us celebrate change. #IAmNotWrong) 

img_20161224_205329 (Wow! So sorry about the quality of this image.^^ It was a quick snap, while I was at the stop sign getting ready to pull out of the parking lot, after my last day of work at Cabela’s.)

Leaving my comfort zone was actually one of the few experiences where I was terrified to embrace change. I first got my (current) job at W. R. Home Care back in mid September, and although I was extremely excited to have a job where I help people daily, my heart sank because I knew that I would have to leave everything that I knew, and was comfortable with, behind. For months I avoided even talking about putting my two weeks in at Cabela’s. I worked hard at both jobs, sacrificing any rest, days off, or free time, and inevitably exhausting any and all energy to do anything else. Two weeks ago today, after a whole lot of pacing and internally freaking out, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and dropped my resignation letter in our HR lady’s box. Yesterday, with lots of tears and hugs, I turned in my equipment, and left the place that has felt like home for so many years in my rear view mirror.

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Have no fear! Captain Daisy is here!

So change can be hard, and a little scary. I get that. Nothing is scarier than the unknown, it causes you to wait. (For more about that click HERE. ) I have a solution for you! When you are facing a change (by choice, or otherwise) that scares you, look for the silver lining, or as to say, think about what positive outcome(s) will result from it. Examples being: Learning a lesson, gaining experience, adapting, new friends, discovering what makes you happy, becoming stronger, maybe even just a really good story, ect.

No, that’s not all…

YOU have to make the choice to embrace change. Even if the change is not by your choice, it’s up to you on how you take it. Do you want to grow and adapt? Become a stronger person than even you think you are? Or, do you want to be miserable, and never give life a chance to show you beauty?

Look at the silver lining you found. Is it worth it? Can you struggle for it? Can you sweat for it? Can you be patient with it? Do you want that outcome? If yes, then embrace the change, and hold on to your own found piece of motivation like it’s the coat that’s keeping you from freezing to death.

Oh, and as always…

Live Bravely!

Always,

Danielle B.

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D. W. D. Playlist on Spotify!

Hey guys! I decided to create a playlist on Spotify! These are 45 songs that have gotten me though a lot of long road trips, plane rides, and just some days at home alone (dancing around like an idiot of course!). I promise any future playlists won’t be so incredibly long, but as this was my first there were just so many artists I wanted to add!

I also want to note here that some of the songs are marked “explicit” (for good reason), just as a warning before hand. Also, there are some oldies (but goodies).. so don’t laugh – or do, but just have fun! I hope you all like it, and give it a follow.

Any songs you love, and want to recommend? Heck yes! Drop them in the comments and I’ll check them out!

Here you have it. “Driving With Daisys” on Spotify.

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  1. Ggoolldd – All night
  2. The Hives – Hate to say I told you so
  3. The Vaccines – Wetsuit
  4. Flight Facilities – Crave you
  5. J. Cole – No rolemodelz
  6. Galantis – Runaway (U & I)
  7. Neon Indian – Polish Girl
  8. Ozzy Ozbourne – Tomorrow
  9. TV on the Radio – Happy idiot
  10. Majid Jordan – Every step every way
  11. Phantom Sage – MIKO
  12. Cage the Elephant – Mess around
  13. Pvris – Smoke
  14. Watsky – Sloppy seconds
  15. Dandy Warhols – Bohemian like you
  16. The National – Graceless
  17. The Nixons – Happy song
  18. Deftones – The Chauffeur
  19. M83 – Midnight city
  20. Alt-J – Left hand free
  21. Something Corporate – I woke up in a car
  22. Jack Ü – To Ü
  23. Grouplove – Spun
  24. Vök- Before
  25. The Shins – Caring is creepy
  26. Black Label Society – Fire it up
  27. She Wants Revenge – Tear you apart
  28. Data – Don’t sing
  29. Empires – Orphan
  30. The Bravery – Above and Below
  31. Kiesza – Hideaway
  32. Baauer – One Touch
  33. The Chainsmokerz – Roses
  34. Grizzly Bear – Knife
  35. Aerosmith – Dream On
  36. St. Lucia – Closer than this
  37. Glass Animals – Hazey
  38. Neck Deep – Growing pains
  39. Modest Mouse – Float On
  40. Marshmellow – Alone
  41. Wolf Gang – Back to back
  42. BØRNS – Seeing stars
  43. Dandy Warhols – We used to be friends
  44. Journey – Wheel in the sky
  45. Flight Facilities – Clair de lune

And as always…

Live Bravely!

Always,

Danielle B.