The Road To Now

A year ago I would have never guessed that I would be where I am today. I’ve always wanted to be here, it was always my goal (obviously), but part of me always felt to afraid to go for it, and I didn’t see that changing anytime soon.

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At the end on July 2016, I made my yearly visit home to see my dad, grandma (Bami), friends, and family. I was in Mount Vernon, WA for only one week, and I hated how short my visit had to be. I always did, even when the visits were all summer. I spent the week as I always did, running around like crazy. Bami always said “The grass doesn’t grow under you’re feet!”, but I only had so long to see everyone here, and enjoy all the beautiful places. I was selfish with my time too, spending most of it up in Bellingham with my best and longest friend, Trung, my favorite person. It only made it harder to leave. The last few years I had planed it so that someone else was with me. I made sure that they drove out of town, and over the mountain pass instead of me. I didn’t believe that I would make it that far without turning around. Every time I left, I left another piece of my heart here. I cried, because it hurt.

By November my longing for the Northwest had not subsided, which was odd because usually by then it would have been tolerable. I missed the ocean, and the mountains. The lakes, and forests. Mostly, I missed my friends and family that I rarely got to see. I had the feeling that I was missing out on everything here.

On New years I made a promise to myself. Not a resolution, but a promise. I am done waiting. Done making excuses. Done thinking about everyone else before myself. When you sit around daydreaming about the same thing, and it is an attainable dream, then what the hell are you doing? So, I worked my ass off. Seven days a week, all hours of the day and night. I saved my money, and fixed up my car.

Last month was my first month as an official Washington resident in about 19 and a half years. I’ve been busy. I think I’m still in the mind set that at the end of the summer I will have to pack up my things, and go back to South Dakota. It feels good to have more time here. To be able to enjoy everything, without the fact that I have to leave soon looming over my every move.

I’ve been spending most of my time up in Bellingham again, with Trung. He’s taken me to so many new and beautiful places, along with the familiar places we have always gone to. I’m enjoying all the green. And the ocean air. And the island beaches. And motorcycle rides through the mountains. And the farmers markets. And all the food. And all the people. I’ve been feeling less anxious, and bored. In return I already feel more open to things, and more creative.

I do miss South Dakota very much, and I can’t wait to go back and visit for a week in October. I catch myself saying things like, “well, in South Dakota it worked this way.” and, “That’s nothing to me, I grew up in South Dakota”. It’s pretty ridiculous, really. I don’t so much miss the place, as I miss the people, and how I know where everything is. The day I had to take my South Dakota drivers license out of my wallet, and put it away in a drawer was the definition of bittersweet.

BUT, in the end I am happy to be where I am, and I am proud of myself for staying true to what I want, and not letting anything stop me. I think I’ll make that a new habit of mine.

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Thanks, May! For being so good to me. 2017 is definitely my favorite!

Live Bravely!

Always,

Danielle B.

And So, It’s Time…

It’s time that I started sharing my plans with you. You may, or may not, have seen on my social media sites that I am getting restless, and extremely excited for something that happens to have something to do with the month of May. I have refrained from sharing with just about everyone (until recently), what my mind has been circling since my last trip home to Washington, in July of 2016. It’s big, and there are moments when I feel a little scared, but as time creeps closer to my personal set deadline, I feel more and more confident and excited. I have a month and a half to go now, and the choice feels easier and easier the closer we get to May.

So here we go.. For the last seven and a half months I have been thinking about going home to Washington, and this time, staying. That’s right, I want to move. I want to pack up all my belongings  (what I decide to keep at least), load them into my car, and finally just go.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING BAD AGAINST SOUTH DAKOTA. Nor does it mean that I never plan on coming back to visit. (In fact, I already have a plan to come back in October, and I’m not even 100% sure I’ve made up my mind on going yet.) I grew up here, I love South Dakota, and that will never change. It’s just simply not the right place for me. I am a South Dakota girl, but I don’t have a South Dakota heart, if that makes sense. Plus, I would never survive without seeing my family and friends here.

SO MY REASONS ARE: 

1. It’s something that I have always wanted. I look at a lease to have my own place, and I can’t bring myself to sign it because of the commitment to the length of time I would have to stay here. I look at colleges and degrees that I would like to pursue, but I don’t because I don’t want to be here that long. There’s one common part here, I won’t feel comfortable moving forward with my life, until I make it to where I want to be. My dream of living in Washington has never disappeared, and I am tired of wondering what my life would look like if I were there. I want to know. I need to do something for me.

2. Room for growth. I just feel as though I have done everything I can here, and now I am stuck. I feel trapped, which in return has made me unhappy. But I have found excitement in all the possibilities I feel I could find in such a bigger, and more diverse place.

I just need to get out of here. I need something new, and all the little adventures just arn’t enough anymore. All my life I have known exactly where I wanted to be, but never gone after it for myself because I was too busy making excuses to stay where I am for others. I’m tired of making excuses. In July I will be 23 years old. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be settled down, married, and expecting a baby at 23. (Obviously I didn’t realize how young 23 still is.) I’m not even remotely interested in marriage, or any of that yet, but I would like to start making the steps to settling down, at least somewhat.

I feel I have already made up my mind that I am going. I’m just scared to admit that because it means that I’ll have to break a heart, and face an insane amount of change. The change scares me a little, but also excites me. In the end change is exactly what I’m looking for. 

LIVE BRAVELY!

Always,

Danielle B.